These are a few of my favorite things
22 May 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: lime-a-rite, home, nature, summer, pets, gotye, dubstep, sci fi, lost girl
I wanted to do a fun post …. these are currently things I am way into ……
Some Yummy goodness!
Summer and where I live … except the tourist and trying to go to Walmart on the weekend lol
Ghost hunt! Totally got blog about that soon.
My Pets and my children but I am not going to post a picture of my babies. 
Kimbra on this song is my ring tone right now. Also the dubstep version is awesome too!
This kind of music. Were was dubstep when I was a teen??? And yes it is an aquired taste but it is awesome for working out. And the guy dancing to this really is! it isn’t a computer as he was on the ellen show too.
And this TV show. It has everything awesome about fluffy chick sci fi! lol
Let me know if any of you love any of these too!
I hate it …
21 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: despair, excercise, funk, hotel, husband, marriage, positivity
When I have an awesome post planned out and it is insightful and clever and only in my mind and I forget it before I can get to a phone or computer
And by the time I do get to one I have forgotten all the awesome things I wanted to say! It totally just happened. See the picture above. It is my after excercising and having these awesome blog thoughts that will soon to vanish! I haven’t posted in ages. So much for my goal of posting once a week. Boo hoo. I have all kinds of excuses but my main one is my lap top is on the blink and I was writing them on my lunch break at mcd’s before and well I can’t make a point to do it. Right now I am on my work lap top stuck a week in a different city for training. I don’t like to use it if I can avoid it for this but desperate boring times call for it.
Currently I am so happy with myself. I just exercised in a freaking hotel!!! (see above photo again!) Lol That is how bored and anti social I feel. As I could be trying to mingle with my co-workers from other counties also staying here. Also how fed up with myself I am. I have a whole other post I have planned on this topic as I need to get real with myself and this blog’s spirit is supposed to be that.
I can feel myself getting into a dark funk. Sadly it is because as my wonderful husband pointed out due to things are going awesome in my life. I had this feeling of utter despair the other day. My husband who I totally do not give enough credit too, points out it is probably because we are use to dealing with shit or having one drama after another. This is a positive on its own and reinforcement for me to keep working towards us being real friends who share our life’s worries together instead of me just leaning on friends and distractions.
Here is the short list of the awesome things right now.
- My husband made my mother’s day the best weekend I have had our whole marriage. I am seeing this as a positive though the despair creeping in wants to see it as sad. We did things just us together then as family. He pampered me and made me feel special. All I have ever wanted in a partner. So much so that I have always been willing to cheat to get it. But something at the beginning of the year changed that. I honestly have real desire to cheat or to look. I no longer go anywhere and look for someone else to have some fairy tale with and find my “one true love”
- My son is doing great. Getting to wait a year for an MRI feels like a miracle. It means that the stuff lighting up on the MRI is most likely not tumor. And he has the kind of cancer that once it is all removed it doesn’t come back. He is not going to be held back due to his learning difficulties and the school is finally getting him and IEP that I have been asking forever about. Next year I firmly believe we will figure out how he learns so he can live up to his IQ potential which is 94 per the testing. My older son got straight A’s and my littlest one went from no pre-school and not knowing a single letter … pretty much failing kindergarten to us and the school working with him to now he can read well enough and write. Fine end to a school year!
- We had a car die on us we had just bought. Totally as is and the dealership took it back and helped us get a different car. As anyone knows who has bought as in and been screwed they legally didn’t have to do that.
- My husband is working so no more single just my income to raise a family on for now. We are a seasonal area so as long as people are using their air conditioners he will be working or he doesn’t irritate someone too much which he has been known to do.
- He found 91 dollars in a pair of shorts he got from a second hand shop. And we totally needed it as I have to pay for my food upfront before the state will reimburse me the per diem.
- I know there are more but I can’t think of it
I am trying to keep positive and not worry that my earth is going to crumble below me. And It feels good to be blogging again. I already am going to work on a few more to post this week. So Keep posted
Mini Update
20 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: doctors visit, mri
I thank everyone for your prayers. We got great news with my son. We don’t need to see the doctor again for a year now as no growth. The stuff lighting up on the MRI must be just scar tissue. I will write more about the doctors visit but I am tired! But wanted to way thanks as soon as I got a chance.
Man I am on fire for posting this week.
18 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Life Through Music, Uncategorized Tags: exes, facebook, golden rule, karma, love, save me, slow learner
And I don’t even have internet at home. Maybe that is why I am not distracted with castleville (Im telling you it is an addiction!) Speaking of Fb. Karma is a bitch. I was childish last week and flamed that chick just a smidgen on FB. I justified it with sometimes you got to be assertive but really I was just being a bitch cause I can. So God loves to give it right back to me… So today I posted a status just as vague as possible and another person felt it was personal and started in. Now when you go for me you better be ready. I play dumb but it is an act and you will usually lose. The problem is though it is a lose lose situation. As when in a public forum everyone else just shakes their head and asks what is wrong with people and posting all their business on FB that is why I didn’t. I also didn’t unfriend like I should have but I figured oh well I got nothing to hide. Well I decided I needed to do that AND delete the status post though I felt I should keep it up. Too many work people on their sadly.
Needless to say I feel good about it all though. It’s too bad bridges sometimes need to be burned to get things out of ones system. But damn it I might not be dumb but I am a slow learner. 
So this song just came on grooveshark
And can’t decide if this caught me as personal as I am trying to find God in my life again or even as simple as trying to save my marriage or even for me to save myself from myself. I am not sure but I thought the lyrics were fitting today.
You act childish then Karma will get you. This is why I follow the golden rule. Too bad I have to be reminded sometimes.
I do wonder if I am doing all this silly stuff — which is sorta out of character as I usually stop myself — to distract me from my real problems like financial stress and my son’s stress. If that is the case I am more calm about it but when thinking about it I think I just feel more grounded in my faith again. And I know people are praying for my son. Maybe I should ask them to pray for me and my silliness too
On another side note I actually offered for my husband to read my post yesterday. When writing that i realized that maybe we are not soul mates but that doesn’t mean with communication and mutual effort we can’t be best friends. I wrote him a letter sharing that same thing. Sadly I thought he would jump on wanting to read it but he didn’t. But he did say nice things about it and we discussed it. I just don’t think he realizes me saying hey read a post of mine is as BIG of a deal to him as it is to me. We really are that different. lol
Anyway my new status after this am’s Karma BS is for everyone to have Blessed day. I hope you all are doing the same
Edited to add: Another Karma ass bite was my husband tells me how the girl he dated when we were separated text him that she is pregnant. I was like is she saying it’s yours as your fixed. He was like no. So I said.. then why did she text… he said oh well I think she thinks we are friends… grrrr …. Well i would say you are since she texts you! And I can’t be self righteous as he was honest AND hello I’m an idiot with my ex too. I decided to wait and discuss my feelings on it later as I am not threatened BUT I am annoyed by it… so maybe I am threatened. Oh jeez I do think too much. I am going after work to get my anti-depressants maybe then i will be a little less crazy!
Dear 20 Year Old Angela…
17 Apr 2012 6 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: past, love, regrets, relationships, princess, 20 year old, happy world
A new to me blog I follow is bornattwentyfive And her post today (the link will take you right to it) is what she would tell her twenty year old self being twenty five now. Well I am thirty five and I would tell my twenty year old self a freaking lot! But I did narrow it down to five for blog sake.
1) You are not a princess.
The world does not around you. IN fact all those people that think you are so awesome will live their lives without you. Even your ex boyfriends. Your family can become disillusioned with you, too. The older you get the less likely those men will want to treat you as a princess or what dream you have about being treated like a princess.
2) Good men do mature and get better with age, unfortunately they are still married. The rest do not get better with age.
When I was 20, I would go to the over 40 club with some friends as they didn’t card and I love dancing. I saw men treat my friends like slutty no bodies. The ones that fell for them were good for a night then next time where nothing at best… stalkers to them at worst. I remember this as one of the first time in my life that I started to realize life sucks. The way we treat each other in life is sad. It sucks when your happy world bubble pops and you are left with reality.
3) Get use to being lonely.
I am an only child. I spent a childhood with just my imagination, books, and television. Plus a few with an awesome Sheltie puppy called Pepper. My childhood was lonely but not like my adult life. I don’t ever remember feeling some despair of how I wish my life to be better or thinking how can I make it better. This is probably where the phrase… ignorance is bliss comes in. I share that to show I know how to self entertain. I use to have no problem going to a movie alone or even eating. Now I struggle with it. I also use to have a circle of friends to lean on and I don’t. Some days it really eats at me. It makes me think dark thoughts, cry and want to sleep the day away. I think this is tied to #1 and this stupid princess complex I have. And to #2 where I despite an education in counseling when it comes to people in MY life I just get it wrong. I have no idea how to figure them out. This all is around guys so much and it seems pathetic to me but I have made my whole life around looking for some kind of attention and validation from men. I am really trying to figure out why! I want for my own freedom and to be able to help my girlfriends as the older we get the harder it is. For real! I read blog after blog where us women over 30 just struggle with men and finding happiness. Too bad human nature needs that kind of emotional connection. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be so lonely I guess. I so want to be special to people and since I have trouble here like when I was younger it has lead to some despair. I remember someone once describe me as vivacious. It was the best compliment I ever got. I want to go back to that person. I need to get over this continual lonliness I feel.
4) You don’t get second chances in life and time does fix things.
Figure out what you want to be now. Don’t wait and then decide at 32. It makes being successful in your thirties harder. The bullshit you told yourself that the man that was probably your soul mate won’t wait forever for you and sure as shit won’t be your companion later in life. Your life isn’t a fucking movie idiot! Nice try though. I honestly justified and gave into my neuroticness by selling myself that fairy tale because I wanted what I thought was easier… oh and what a cute story. I keep looking for these cute romantic stories in life. I need to find happiness in my life now. Not in bullshit second chances I am hoping for. Or first chances in people that are just as messed up at me. I need to appreciate and not lose my second chance on a man who is flawed but true. My husband is simple. He is horrible at lying, has a kind heart, and is a lot like me in the ways that count and not like me in the ways that drive me nuts but keep me from being too bored. Does that make sense? There is no cute story in life. Well for some. One came into the office and is adopting a special needs child whose parents can’t care for him. They are HS sweethearts who had other lives after HS and then meet again. Due to age they can’t have their own biological children but they want that experience. I need to be ok with NOT having that story. And I need to find contentness in myself that I stop hoping or searching for it. You won’t get a second chance to raise your children right. Or make choices like surgery for your son with cancer. You can’t second chance your foolish trust in doctors. You have to learn to ask questions or live with the guilt. That blessed life you have now will be torn apart and live you middle aged where you whine a whole lot. Yes you make some progress but most days it feels like very little. Enjoy this life now as you will spend too much time crying over spilled milk and wondering how you can get those “Glory Days” back. Yes even you … who wanted no regrets in life will have them and become a cliché.
5) Love yourself through it all and communication is key
I had to make the last two fold as my OCD wouldn’t allow another number. There will be many times you don’t love yourself like you should. Even to this day. You need to love yourself enough to be ok with being lonely when you are not being treated how you want to be treated. Love yourself enough to love someone who isn’t a project. Love yourself enough to love someone even if your evil self has you convinced he is not your soul mate. Love yourself enough to NOT need a soul mate. Hell is there a rule you can’t be your own ? And communicate your thoughts with your loved ones. Be open and honest. Don’t hide food, boredom, or needs from the man who is trying as hard as you to be happy with their less than a soul mate. This time last year we were at Disney World and miserable as my husband and I didn’t have the communication we have now. I regret that trip and so wish we could do it again. Since it was a free charity wish I pray we never do under those circumstances but new ones where we work hard for the chance and we have a great loving time. And I wonder if my wants are what keeps my blessed life away?
So that is my list. I do also think I think too much. Shouldn’t life be simple? Hmmmmm… that will take more thinking
I found a ray of sunshine today
16 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: dr suess, life, positivity
I woke up very depressed this morning. It is four days until my son’s MRI and I am freaking. It is very scary and brings back memories of the surgery we didn’t even need. So it is mixed with guilt. The worst kind for sure!
So on FB a few days ago I saw some dr suess quote and wanted to remember it so I googled it. I found more then one that I love and has brightened my day. Here they are… (where he has been hiding with his positivity all my life I do not know! lol)
And my favorite of all!
What I learned this week
15 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: dating, relationships
I feel this week I have learned a lot. About my social circle AND what I want in life.
I found out more about this bar thing with my friend who invited my ex. Another blogger who commented kind of nailed it on the head that maybe I felt a she was hanging with something that was mine. ETC. I do see that but knowing what I know now I had reason to be bothered by it.
I am not sure if I mentioned how I find myself very intuitive or empathic. But I am. There was just something more about it to have me be so emotionally attached to it. I felt there was more than just hanging out. Turns out I was right. So this week I learned three things by the story I am sharing with you.
1) It’s amazing what low self esteem will do to a person.
2) How people will try to justify bad behavior in any way.
3) And I realized I need to figure out why I choose the people in my life. What is wrong with me?!
So this is the clif notes of the BS story. Come to find out C slept with this chick in my social circle that night. So he is of course free to have one night stands with anyone he wants. BUT the messed up thing is this chick is messed up. This is not the first time she has slept with someone I have had a relationship with who happened to be an old HS flame after HS as well (I am so done with HS rekindling damn it). She did this years before I was married. So 13 years later she does the same. WTF what is up with that. Crazy HS shit for sure. First of all. We share the same circle of friends and you just don’t do that. There are plenty of people to have one night stands with. Why do this which then causes the rest of the females in your social circle to not trust you. It’s bad Karma really. So C is the one who told me this. I still feel my girlfriend should have but whatever and he only told me as he was once again barking up my tree to get back together and work things out and I mentioned to him I was annoyed no one told me then he confessed this.
I was like HUH? I told him he knew her and I had history as she was at about every party him and I went together with MY friends. I said to him.. he told me she was ugly and thought she was weird. He then proceeds to tell me how I am “better”… yuck … and yadda yadda yadda. Now I know I shouldn’t entertain him but I really wanted to understand why he thought this ok. He then threw in the whole… I was drunk. The whole thing was cliché.
It dawned on me why I was so upset with it is more about why I have a poor choice in men. The one guy that was a good choice I was intimidated to have a life with. He’s my one Katy Perry “The one that got away” song story. Anyway … My husband is a good guy too. He really is though in hindsight why didn’t I settle for someone more dependable? It is embarrassing to me really.
So it led to this thought process that those romance movies have messed up society. When C told me our story could be like that. I was like… why is this man saying this? that is a chick thought – he is really trying way too hard here – In the movies this happens too often. And then they get back together and live happily ever after. Yeah I don’t think so because there is always some worry that he will have sex with anyone including your friends when things get bad. I realized this is the kind of crap even last year I would have bought into. This year though is about figuring me out and making me a better person. It dawned on me that I deserve someone who when they say things like… I can’t live without you, I love you, You’re my Crack (yes he did use this line) I still have your pictures up…. Yadda yadda yadda … be “faithful” in the way that he doesn’t even want to have sex with others. Like the thought would be wrong and doesn’t have a desire to sleep with people just for sex. I deserve someone who can keep it in his pants. Hell my husband when we were separated didn’t instantly go and have sex.He had one GF for a few weeks after he moved to away. He realized he was a moron and took the life he had for granted so we reconciled. I need to learn that same lesson. I am still a moron though for even entertaining this bullshit. UGH! Anyway I am actually at a point where I do believe I deserve that and I don’t need BS lies to stroke my ego. I told C I am tired of his BS and he’s an ass. And that we will need to disagree on the level of F’d upness this situation is.
Now … back to the chick friend. After talking to my best friend and letting her know how I felt she should have told me (as she even knew they had sex as he called her (wtf again) and then said he always had a crush on her. Yuckiness. Do some men never grow up? I expect a man at 19 to do these things but at 33?
Ok so come to find out. She might have even had the one night stand (her fb confirmed it really as just a one night stand as I remember her writing something vaguely about it and I went back and looked. She said she was never going out again and FML) just to prove she isn’t a lesbian as every believes she is. Trust me no one cares. Anyway the one group of friends who went out one girl was telling her hey it’s ok to be gay. Her brother is and everyone just wants her to be happy. Well she went all single white female on her and made her cry yelling at her on how perfect her life is with the perfect husband and kids. And how she would give anything to be her. I am thankful that I may not have the best self esteem but I am ok to be me and don’t need to prove anything.
Anyway that is my update on that story. I love it when I get insight into myself AND I realize I am not as much immature or no reason for drama (like being upset about not being told for no good reason)
What I learned part two
That I found a church I like. And it was my husband’s idea to go to it every Sunday. It is near perfect. It is only an hour and very simple. The pastor is humble which is refreshing as the last one (who I worked for) wasn’t really. The sermon today had an awesome message. That no one is perfect and we are all flawed. We need to worry about ourselves and can only change ourselves. Which I know BUT I seem to be attracted to people who I seem to think need fixed. I need this kind of grounding.
Well that is probably enough for now. I just mainly wanted to update my story about C.
I hope everyone had a great weekend
Help and F-ing FB
10 Apr 2012 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: friends, relationships
If you’ve read a few of my posts you all know I have a love hate relationship with FB. I love it as it helps me stalk my friends who live so much further away from than I like and I love playing castleville… really too much (no seriously I have two fb accounts just to play the came twice as much). Ok so it also plays into this C and me pattern. Gah I just can’t get him out of my system. And he is friends with my friends so he just can’t be cut off. Blah. Anyway him and I were talking we are trying this friends thing since we have mutual friends. And I have been successful at remaining friends with ex’s because I am that awesome I’m one of those kind people either love me or hate me… can live with or without me. KWIM … not so much I am anything super special I just got that kind of attraction for people. Anyway we were talking about my HS BFF who I have spoken of. And he said she text him to go hang at the bar with her and then flashed all kinds of people her titties at the bar. I thought she was taking it better then that and I had no idea they hung out together. So here is where your help comes in.
Do you feel my hs bff who I have spoken too since that time should have told me she hung out with C. Ex or no ex, frankly they were not hang out friends until him and I started dating last year and he would tag along with me to her parties and then after that a few times when she did a FB open invite. I feel SHE should have told me. Now, I have no right to say he should have and I get that and he did so conversationally and I am pretty sure it was after our latest. This isn’t going to work … I need to focus on my family and you on yours drama. I really feel she should have but I am also fearful i am being silly and this is HS stuff… that is kind of funny as we all went to HS together. Hmmm???’
I will be the FIRST to admit I am usually sane but when I go crazy I GO CRAZY! And I have no filter. And I can’t afford my meds for a few more days. SO I had to take it to the blog. You all are the the friends I have to get my crazy out. I don’t have friends here to just come over and drink and watch tv and rant like I use too. And I am trying my best to make this year all about less drama. And I would like to know what others think… If I am way off or if I have a valid point.
I also thought it would be neat to share with you a taste of what my friends do hear from me on FB. I whine there as much if not more than here. lol
About an hour ago
Needs to learn to let things go … don’t sweat small stuff right?
12 hours ago
Another shitty morning
Yesterday
Ugh it is no fun when the voices in my head wake up grumpy and hateful
Sunday
Happy Easter! Gonna to church sadly I can’t remember the last time I went.
Saturday
there is something wrong with my family. We aren’t even generous to each other How did I become a social worker? Maybe a lack of humanity in my own life… hmmmm
Saturday
Ugh is having stomach pains
April 6
Anyone know of any fun Easter egg hunts Saturday in or around (omitted) . I tried Google no real luck and radio said (omitted) at 2 but I wanna go in am … tia
April 4
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Mother Teresa
April 4
I am an idiot who never learns! Gah … boo hoo
Anyway … I’ve been fighting the glums and it reflects in my fb posting and here … thankfully I have been winning for the most part and try to post things that aren’t always so pessimistic.
Another award! toot toot
09 Apr 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: award, flogging, self esteem, vampires
Now I must say I am suprised on two levels to get this award. One — life is funny — as I felt that people weren’t reading my blog so much but then again I haven’t taken the time to write as much either. And I thought a couple days ago my award getting days must be behind me I love it when I am wrong for good or fun reasons! and two I just plan wasn’t expecting it nor the reasoning for it. I think it is awesome some understands my pain. lol Just kidding. But I think this chickie is way cool so I am glad she thinks I might be too!
1) Nominate 10 fellow bloggers who are relatively new to blogging (or whose blogs you enjoy most)
See next number.
2) Let them know that you have nominated them.
I am sorry I don’t have the time to look up folks so here is a test. If you read this AND you want an award…. there you have it please take it.
3) Share 7 random facts about yourself
- I love naughty vampire stories. The hotter the sex the better.
- I have been to a special kind of party where I saw a person flogged with fire. It was actually really cool. I didn’t find it erotic as I am afraid of fire hard core but it was neat from far away.
- I am one of those pleasin kind of people who like every kind of music. Now I prefer not to listen to hard core gangsta rap or opera but I will.
- I am an only child but was close to my aunt and she always lived with us so she was like a sister. I miss her everyday as she died at 37 from breast cancer.
- I have never done any kind of drug more than marijuana. I have always been scared I would like it too much and/or I would do crazy things and I find myself already crazy enough. (did that make sense)
- I want to travel the US and most of Europe. Except France, I am still bitter how they treat us and we saved their ass a number of times.
- I am thankful I have the self esteem I have. It isn’t high but it is decent. I am a weird combination of narcissism and medium self esteem. Again, I hope this makes sense.
4) Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you.
Thank you Rebecca for nominating me and the awesome words about me too It helped make my weekend perfect.
5) Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your blog post.
See above!
********** hope everyone is having an awesome Day ***********************
Be thankful
08 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: bff, church, husband, relationships, thankful, Work
I want to whine in this one BUT then again I don’t. I feel such duality in me right now. There is this strong part of me that wants to scream out and make my life better and the other part is a nay sayer and wants me to wallow. Thankfully I feel the one happier one is winning.
This weekend I have tried to focus on what I am thankful for. Among the list is…
- My HS BFF’s, who while I was on vacation husband asked for a divorce, went on a date and seems to be adjusting fine. She had shared with me how it was totally out of the blue. I doubt it really was but she is a very loyal person so she would have loved him to the end. It’s a shame he couldn’t see it. Anyway I am thankful for her well being and not wallowing.
- I had a humbling experience where I was feeling unhappy with how far I have to drive for work and how I wished I had a closer office. Well two days last week I worked to the closer office and it is a MESS!!! Apparently it is the meth capitol of the state … hell maybe the Midwest. I guess some high up drug lord type person moved there and got a shit load of people addicted who have had their children removed. They have had 15 children come into care in 3 weeks. I maybe have fifteen kids on my case load all together … if that! And the parent’s never seem to get them back either. So sad. So I am thankful I work in (although next county over) a mainly Mennonite county where people are too religious or poor for drugs. Most of the kids in that county’s care were the parents just didn’t have safe trailers or bad temper.
- I am thankful I went to church today. I use to be a church Secretary and very into it. That was until the church people became unchurchly unfriendly. Still don’t know what I did to be treated like the plague and really don’t going to worry about it too much. I know I am friendship worthy. I am even more thankful my husband wants to go every week for our children’s sake. — now disclaimer I really don’t care what religion my children choose as long as it follows some kind of golden rule. But Christian is a good place to start.
- I am thankful for the preacher’s sermon. It was about having a purposeful life. And that being a Christian did mean peace in faith but didn’t mean no conflict.
- I am thankful I never had the experiences of life like the character in Black Snake Moan. Now I know that is a movie but I do know of women who have had lives like that. Well maybe not chained up but abused and then allowing more abuse or abusing themselves.
- I am thankful I have children to raise right. I swear I have been wanting a baby lately! Good thing my husband is fixed as it is silly thinking. Three is more then I can afford and enough to love. I think seeing all the babies abused in this world is making me want to adopt a few of them!
- I am thankful I have a car to drive as our van is dead and we have no money to fix it.
- I am thankful my husband is trying to love me how I want to be loved. He pays attention to me and is helpful. I worry when he finds a job it won’t last but dang it I am enjoying it right now
- I exercised with my here BFF and caught up on old work BS. I adore her so much.
Heck that is a good list right? Great way to start the week off.
Good Stuff :D